My relationships are a mystery to me- something I will never understand. Anger and depression are doors I try unsuccessfully to hold closed. I am nothing but a fake- hoping to somehow achieve normalness by convincing you that I am.

Now I often give others the benefit of the doubt before I flip out…..because after all, I am the one with the disorder who distorts what he hears, gets the facts wrong, and flies off the handle too easily. So now I am calm, rational, and let them win. They like it that way and I get to stay sane and swear at closed doors.

I have educated myself. I have dedicated enormous amounts of time to my recovery. I want to be well and I WILL accomplish this. I read a lot, about my disorder…. I read about what will help, why I do the things I do, and what I need to do differently. My exterior is very “together” now yet I crumble inside when no one is looking. I go to work and pretend I am this happy person who does a good job. I go home after work and crumble from the energy it consumed for me to “fake it”.

And they wonder why I take time off work….months at a time. I have to gather the energy to be that happy person that they all enjoy being around. I have to adjust medications so I can stay sane….not tell them what idiots they are….but instead continue to swear at closed doors so I won’t be the one flying off the handle and distorting the facts. I feel like I have gotten the short end of the stick, and probably I have, but I continue to be the person they all want me to be. Inside I struggle to find who I really am. It’s a constant struggle but one day I am going to be “well”. I am determined.

Confusion is the worst part. I never know what I really want in life, if I want what other people want for me, or what I think I want. My ideas and morals about everything change so drastically every hour. I will be so happy over nothing that I just don’t know what to do with the euphoria, and then out of nowhere comes the black cloud of depression and its so deep that you feel you’ll never find the rope to climb back out. People think they can help, but nobody will ever truly understand, how can they if even I don’t?

I can’t say no to anything because I have no idea what I really want so I’m so influenced by everyone and everything else. The world is so bad off and people are so angry, and that makes me even more upset because I can’t even understand myself so how can I understand the rest of society? I wonder 24 hours a day if I’ll ever find happiness, if I’ll ever find a means of escape from my own emotions and if I’m ever going to be safe from myself.

I really could jump out of my own body into a more sane one until bpd tapers off, but when will that be, and how long will I have to transport out of my own body. Do you think I’m weird yet? I do, and so does a lot of other people and I’m always suffering from rejection and ridicule, even though I’m very composed.

I was horribly depressed and angry for all my life. Suicide? It seemed attractive several times. Anything to escape the pain and emptiness. Desperation? A constant. I’m a little better now, but far from right. My impulses that I can’t contain all the time are driving fast and eating a lot. My depression is deep and the pain is even deeper. The emptiness still more profound than these… In public I’m usually an actor, behaving as if I were happy and have it all together. In private an inwardly I am a swarming hive of nerves and doubt. Hope seems to be a burden sometimes, because it just sets me up for rejection again and again. Maybe so. Still there’s no end in sight to my problem. It just goes on and on, near miss after near miss, forever.