No one around me seems to understand what I am going through, no matter what I try to help them understand. No one around me seems to want to help. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. I am at the end of my rope and don’t know how much longer I can hang on. Something is going to have to give. All I have ever wanted was someone to love me and take care of me when I need to be. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I can’t stand the pain much longer. I don’t know what to do anymore, and don’t have anyone I can turn to that can understand and help. I know that I have to fight through this down time, and that tomorrow will be another day, I am no longer sure I want to make it to that day. Even in the present, I live in the past. I cannot comprehend the future. I live day to day, sometimes minute to minute, and right now second to second. I have learned to live life one day at a time, and the future for me is what lies ahead in the vastness of the dark tunnel ahead of me. Every time that I think that I see a light at the end of the tunnel, it ends up being a glimmer of false hope that quickly goes out when I get so close that I can feel something besides the loneliness and pain. Hopefully one day soon I will find the help I need to get out of the tunnel and into the light. The walls of the tunnel are starting to collapse onto me, and I am not sure if I will be able to get out before the tunnel collapses completely. Right now I just exists, I want very much to live, but don’t know how.

However, I recognize that the insurance may change, circumstances are fluid, life is filled with chance and change – I could lose that at a moment’s notice. I need to get to the point where I can do this on my own.

As I’m writing this, my life is in a gray area right now. It all comes down to this: I have a history, much of which is not pretty. I will probably never truly live life on an even keel as others might, but this is the life that has been dealt to me. I know what it’s like to be sane, and I know what it’s like to be mad; I am gifted in this way, and no one will ever be able to take this away from me.

It is funny that I remember to say this last, but I don’t worry about this so much now that I met my girlfriend. I’ve suffered from anxiety from my phobia- thinking that I might be gay or a “fag”. But ironically it is in the very nature of this phobia that I generally respond with disgust at first around gay men. I usually adjust to their personalities and attempt to ignore this first feeling and generally it will go away unless their personality clashes with mine. I site my phobias of large numbers of people, men that are bigger then I am, and fear of being alone with somebody as being some of the main reasons why I’ve gone through such dramatic changes, “red lining” or “bordering” back and forth between extremes.

I can’t tell you that I haven’t achieved things, because I have. However once achieved I move on. No need to stay in that position, no need to pursue excellence any longer. The remarkable thing is that having a mental illness seems to immediately suggest that the mind is stupid, the I.Q is lacking. However I am highly intelligent, just at certain times you would wonder where my judgment comes from, why did he say or do that?

I always try, but sometimes never really attain what is in my head. For 38 years I have been alone. I spend most of my time as a prisoner, my bed is my friend, and it never rejects me.